This isn't going to work!

I'm just not offensive enough for this blog to be successful. Sure, i find offensive stuff funny, but i'm not gonna post my own sick thoughts. I am more than willing to post other peoples thoughts though. I bring you some great quotes from some persons website, here is his intro and the quotes;

I was just lurking the SA Forums in Sociology class (shame on me) and stumbled into a thread with some good quotes made by goons (members of Something Awful). Some of them are just so funny and intelligent that I decided to post some good ones here. The only thing I’m really sorry about, is if I’m unable to give proper credits to the member I quote. Sorry!

«I wash myself in the shower with Comet and steel wool. I scrape the stubble off my face with a Ka-Bar and use gasoline for aftershave. Then I comb my hair with a live wolverine. I put crystal meth in my coffee. When I go to work, I chase down cars on foot, drag the drivers out, kill them, and then take their cars to work. When I take a smoke break, I burn Styrofoam and inhale the fumes. When I go hunting, I just stare at the deer. They follow me home and climb into my freezer. Because they know. They know.»

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Said about movie director Uwe Boll:

«The weird thing about Boll is that he says some intelligent things mixed in with the rest of his retardation. It’s like a monkey building a complex ladder to get a banana, only to then try eating it by sticking it in his ass.» – ChuckMaster

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«Wait, so you’re saying you fucked a stillborn fetus to dismemberment? And you didn’t notice? How the hell do you not notice that? I mean, I’m no gynecologist or whatever but I’m pretty sure vaginas are supposed to be empty when you fuck them, not stuffed. It’s not like a fucking peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich.» - Captain Queernabs

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«My girlfriend also loves to roleplay. Her favorite being teacher / student. Once while playing the math teacher, in the middle of sex, I yelled, “Recite the quadratic formula… and make me believe it, bitch!”» - Unknown author

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Various asshole quotes:

«Your incessant faggotry is proof that there is no God.»

«You are worthless in ways you won’t ever comprehend. I’m washing my hands of you here and now – don’t ever speak to me again.»

«Yeah? That dent in your forehead? It’s from the coathanger where your mom failed at aborting you. Coathanger poked a bunch and just jarred you around. Maybe that’s why you’re retarded.»

«You’re the perfect example of why fourth trimester abortions should be made legal.» – Unknown author

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«In a grim and windowless interrogation room I was met by two equally grim and windowless policemen.» – Unknown author

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«As a goon I am too fat to mobilize.» – Brick Hardmeat

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«I never joke about suicide or anorexia anymore, because it always leads to someone in the room starting a sentence with ‘Actually…’» – Poacher

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On Hillary Clinton:

«My big problem is that feeling I get when she speaks that somehow, the universe is slowly evaporating into a thoughtless void through unfathomable processes; it’s kind of like a Lovecraft story, but without monsters–just a sort of senseless despair. Maybe it’s only a result of my being an impressionable Southern kid in the 90s when Republican vitriol for her was really high, but whatever it is, I just don’t like it when noises come out of her mouth.» – Uknown author

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«She got even redder, but rather than resist my extreme hotness, she began to take off all of her clothes. I walked over to her, I towered over her, which wasn’t hard considering I am 6′5, 270lbs with rippling muscles. I picked her up, and threw her hard onto the bed and proclaimed, ‘the love making begins.’» – Twin Cinema

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«Nailed a fat chick on a golfcourse, behind some bushes just to the side of the 7th green. I exclaimed “HOLE IN ONE!” upon climax, hopped in the golfcart and drove away. She doesnt talk to me anymore, I wonder what happened.» – Unknown author

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«I think the most dangerous animal would be a bear, riding an elephant, stuck in rush hour traffic on the D.C. beltway. And also, the elephant’s radio is stuck on a crazy extremist talk station. The bear also has a bag of piranha that he can throw at people.» – Unknown author

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«Making love to a woman is like working on an assembly line. No matter how good you are at it, you’ll eventually be replaced by a foreigner or a machine.» – Unknown author

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«I may be a stupid faggot, but I’d be a stupid faggot that’s fucking some bitch’s feet.» – Unknown author

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«Man, if CSI came into my old apartment with a blacklight they’d have been confused as hell.» – Unknown author

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«I like it when her fingers are fatter than my dick it makes handjobs feel like I’m wrapped up in dicks» – Whalley

http://dominhate.wordpress.com/2009/01/12/something-awful-quotes/